Protective Gear

I'm clad this week in my protective gear:
I have a bulletproof and lightweight vest,
Stitched up with fishing line, fifty-pound test,
A helmet covering my crown and ear,
A no-spill cup for my imported beer,
And two old friends prepared to pound my chest
In case of fire, or cardiac arrest,
Whatever I have greatest cause to fear.

I'm not afraid now, as I was before,
Because I have protection I can see
From all the dangers now confronting me,
And when I wonder what fate has in store
I wrap myself in tinfoil; it's a chore,
But I'm as well insured as I can be.