Unmoved

I put on weight when I quit cigarettes,
I put on weight the year that I retired,
I put on weight when our new maid was hired
(That didn't bother Becca, who took bets
On when the maid, who suffered from Tourette's,
Would cry, "Get off me!"), and was uninspired
By exercise, which only made me tired,
So all that fits now is my epaulets.

My heart's dishonourable as my discharge,
So I no longer wear the uniform,
But I am unmoved in the harshest storm
And have been likened to a fine Thames barge:
As sturdy as an oak, and twice as large,
As friendly as a Labrador, and warm.