Why We Sat Still

The exercise I tried left me with aches
In every nook and cranny of my frame,
And even though I really liked the game
I had to quit, but for my daughters' sakes
My trainer, thinking all of us were flakes,
Made me a solemn promise not to blame
Or argue, and I tried to do the same,
But we were weak, and called each other snakes.

There isn't time to tell you all the lies
Invented to explain why we sat still
When it was time to move. We've had our fill
Of shaking and description, sad good-byes
And omens of embarrassment. My eyes
Ache also, but my wife gave me a pill.

Taxidermist's Lunch

I practise taxidermy now for fun,
Not just because I like stuffed animals
(Especially the beige marsupials),
But also for lunch: grizzly on a bun,
Hot rabbit cakes, moles basking in the sun.
I have no use for those green vegetables
Or soy. I feel like I'm in manacles
Without my furry friends. Get me a gun

And I'll become as placid as a snake
After a good meal. As I have stated,
My life is good, and I have contemplated
Everything from stuffed duck to fried hake.
There's one more dinner that I want to make,
And then I'll stop, my belly wholly sated.

After the Collision

Men reveal themselves through different follies:
Trying to reduce their growing middles
Frying pancakes on their non-stick griddles,
Sneaking rides unpaid on public trolleys,
Claiming their own verse Sir Walter Raleigh's,
Thinking they have mastered both bass fiddles
And the telling of bad jokes and riddles,
While defaming sheep and English collies.

If my brain, deluded and divided,
Seems calm, then you wouldn't have impressed me
With your perspicacity, outguessed me
Or been cool when we and Mars collided.
Now that all this empty talk's subsided,
I'm prepared for any old thing. Test me!